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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25784680">This Plot Is Dead</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nope/pseuds/Nope'>Nope</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - Fandom</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2004-02-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2004-02-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 08:15:00</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>875</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25784680</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nope/pseuds/Nope</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sex, death, explosions and crackfic.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>This Plot Is Dead</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>After years of abuse, Neville finally snapped halfway through Potions and had beaten Draco to death with Dean's cauldron before Snape could get in a good hexing.</p>
<p>"What is the world coming to?" mused Hermione, cleaning the sprayed blood off the cuff of her robes with her wand.</p>
<p>"Oh, don't give me that," complained Harry. "You were the one who locked Remus in the Hufflepuff tower last full moon!"</p>
<p>"I did not!"</p>
<p>"Did not!"</p>
<p>"Did too! I mean-- blast!"</p>
<p>"Huh? Huh? How do you like those apples?!"</p>
<p>"They were asking for it," said Hermione, primping her hair. "They were being all..." She waved a hand vaguely. "Hufflepuffian!"</p>
<p>"Remus kept burping Ernie for days," groused Harry, watching Snape and Neville wrestle on the dungeon floor. "I had to keep telling him to clean his teeth before we shagged."</p>
<p>"You and Lupin?!" gasped Hermione. "Well, I never!"</p>
<p>"Yes you did," said Ron absently. "Last October, remember?"</p>
<p>Hermione shook her head, a stray hair falling into the potion Neville had left unattended. "If it's not witnessed by at least three people, it doesn't count."</p>
<p>"Oh, then you're all right, Harry," said Ron. "You're not shagging Snape after all."</p>
<p>"You and Snape?!" gasped Hermione. "Is there no guy in this school you haven't shagged, Harry James Potter?"</p>
<p>Harry and Ron exchanged a glance and then quickly looked away.</p>
<p>"Excuse me," added Ron. "I have to go comfort the grieving Pansy."</p>
<p>"Bitch," muttered Hermione.</p>
<p>"And Millicent," mused Ron as he got up. "And Crabbe and Goyle." He jumped over Snape and Neville who were rolling back and forth between the tables, dodged around Malfoy's sticky, cooling corpse, and slid up to the Slytherins with a nicely drawled, "How you doin'?"</p>
<p>The door to the classroom burst open, and Colin dashed in, waving his camera. "You-Know-Who is attacking the castle!"</p>
<p>"Who?" asked Harry.</p>
<p>"You-Know-Who!" insisted Colin, bouncing from foot to foot.</p>
<p>"Don't say 'who' again, Harry," warned Hermione. "That wasn't funny the first four thousand times you said it."</p>
<p>"Bitch."</p>
<p>"Slut."</p>
<p>"...well, yes. Voldemort, did you say?"</p>
<p>"No," said Colin, "I said 'You-Know-Who'. Now, hurry up and fight him! I want to take photos and I really need to pee!"</p>
<p>Harry sighed. "Bloody destiny, never a moment's peace, all I wanted to do was have a nice normal Potions lesson, get detention and then shag Snape, there's only one desk left we haven't done it on--"</p>
<p>Everyone -- except Draco, who was busy being dead, Neville and Snape who were busy tearing at each others robes, and Harry -- moved away from their seats.</p>
<p>"--but, noooo, it's all, kill Voldemort here, free Sirius there, protect my stones, Mister Potter, harder with the whip Mister Potter, harder, harder, I mean really, you try to--"</p>
<p>"ARGH! SHUT UP, YOU WHINY TOSSER! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! I HAVEN'T EVEN SPOKEN SINCE BOOK ONE! YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I'M A GUY OR A GIRL! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT-- owbraingoboomdienow."</p>
<p>"...who was that?" asked Hermione.</p>
<p>"I don't know," said Harry, "but I think I've shagged it."</p>
<p>There was a squeak and a pop. They turned around to find Millicent and Crabbe happily making out, the remains of a squished Ron smeared on both their fronts.</p>
<p>"Oh my god," said Hermione. "They killed Ron."</p>
<p>"You bastards," cried Colin. "How dare you make an anachronistic pop culture reference?"</p>
<p>"What did you expect?" asked Pansy.</p>
<p>"A Death Eater attack?" suggested Parvati, Goyle muttering something from between her thighs.</p>
<p>"No one expects a Death Eater attack," cried Lucius from the doorway.</p>
<p>"My childhood," cried Colin, bursting into tears. "Perverted!"</p>
<p>"Doesn't surprise me," said Seamus, patting Colin gently, and continued to not look surprised when Colin promptly crawled into his lap.</p>
<p>"'Tis I!" added Voldemort, following Lucius into the room.</p>
<p>"Who?" gasped everyone, except Snape and Neville who were just gasping.</p>
<p>"You-Know-Who!" cried Voldemort.</p>
<p>"Who? No, really," said Harry, "who?"</p>
<p>Hermione brained him with all forty feet of her Potions essay.</p>
<p>"You killed the Boy Who Lived," wailed Lavender, falling on her knees and tearing at her clothes. "Oh! The humanity!"</p>
<p>"Grieve! Grieve cruel world!" added Pansy, throwing herself at Lavender. "Grieve for your lost sons!"</p>
<p>The two girls disappeared under a desk, quickly followed by Dean with Colin's camera.</p>
<p>"What am I supposed to do without an enemy?" said Voldemort. "Who do I make my long, explanatory speeches to? Who do I tie up in the torture room and work over with studded leather straps? All those ball-gags, just going to waste."</p>
<p>Lucius made a strangled, whimpering sound and threw himself at Voldemort's knees.</p>
<p>Hermione sighed. "I despair, I really do. The stupidity of it all."</p>
<p>She sat down heavily, knocking the desk, causing Neville's cauldron to slip, its contents splashing into the fire.</p>
<p>"Well, f--" managed Hermione, just before the ensuing explosion vaporised the dungeon.</p>
<p>The racing flames burned their way through the castle before venting out of the towers in a rather spectacular fashion. Trelawney's burning body bounced back to earth in the middle of the croquet lawn, ruining Dumbledore's shot.</p>
<p>He sighed, slung his mallet over one shoulder, and asked his phoenix: "What shall we do now, Fawkes?"</p>
<p>"The same thing we do every day," sighed Fawkes. "Try to take over the world!"</p>
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